Doctrine · The Life of Grace
Marriage and the Household
The Bible’s teaching on marriage starts in a garden, before anything went wrong — and when Jesus is asked about it, that is the passage He goes back to. The New Testament instructions people argue about most turn out to be four versions of one pattern, written to a first-century household that looked nothing like ours. This page puts the four side by side, names the ways Christians read them and who holds each, and leaves the verdict where it belongs.
THE ARTWORKNot a wedding scene: a betrothal at a well, which is how the Bible’s own courtships actually happen. Eeckhout paints the moment a servant asks a stranger for water and gets a household in reply — the ordinary, practical, negotiated beginning that Genesis 2 was describing all along.
Where It Starts
— Genesis 2 — and the passage Jesus goes back toAsked a hard legal question about marriage, Jesus does not answer from Moses. He answers from the beginning — from a chapter written before there was a law to argue about. Genesis 2:24 is the floor under everything else on this page, and three plain words hold it up: a man leaves, he holds fast, and the two become one.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.Leave, hold fast, one flesh — the sentence Jesus and Paul both quote.
However, from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”Jesus goes past Moses and back to the beginning.
one — 971 times in the Bible. “One flesh” uses the same numeral that stands in the Shema, the LORD our God is one LORD. A unity made of parts, not a blur.
he holds fast — 54 times in the whole Bible. It is the ordinary word for glue, and Deuteronomy uses it of clinging to the LORD. Genesis 2:24 asks of a marriage what Deuteronomy asks of worship.
It appears by Matt. xix, 4, 5, that it was God himself who said here, a man must leave all his relations to cleave to his wife; but whether he spake it by Moses or by Adam who spake, ver. 23 is uncertain: It should seem they are the words of Adam in God's name, laying down this law to all his posterity.
John Wesley· Explanatory Notes upon the Old Testament, 1765Wesleyan
Genesis 2:24
“A Helper”
— one Hebrew word, twenty-one times — count them yourselfGenesis 2:18 is the first time in the Bible that God calls something not good, and the remedy He names is a word English has quietly demoted. Here is where Scripture actually puts that word.
The LORD God also said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make for him a suitable helper.”The first “not good” in the Bible, and the answer to it.
So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.Both of them, image of God, in one sentence.
EVERY TIME THE BIBLE USES THE WORD TRANSLATED “HELPER” IN GENESIS 2
Twenty-one occurrences in all: two in Genesis 2, and nineteen elsewhere.
- 2 — Genesis 2:18 and 2:20
- the woman, made for the man who had no one like him.
- 19 — everywhere else
- and most of those are of God himself, helping his people — Psalm 33:20, Psalm 121:1–2, Deuteronomy 33:26.
This is not a modern reading imported into an old text. Adam Clarke wrote it out in 1832, in a commentary that has been in print ever since, and he did not hedge it.
It is not good that the man should be alone - לבדו lebaddo; only himself. I will make him a help meet for him; עזר כנגדו ezer kenegdo, a help, a counterpart of himself, one formed from him, and a perfect resemblance of his person. If the word be rendered scrupulously literally, it signifies one like, or as himself, standing opposite to or before him. And this implies that the woman was to be a perfect resemblance of the man, possessing neither inferiority nor superiority, but being in all things like and equal to himself.
Adam Clarke· Commentary on the Bible, 1832Wesleyan
Genesis 2:18
A Covenant, Not a Contract
— Malachi 2 — the word the prophet uses, five times in one chapterA contract is an exchange you can exit when the other party fails. A covenant is a binding you enter before God, who is named as a witness to it. Malachi calls marriage the second thing, and the chapter that says so is soaked in the word.
Yet you ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have broken faith, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Has not the LORD made them one, having a portion of the Spirit? And why one? Because He seeks godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel. “He who divorces his wife covers his garment with violence,” says the LORD of Hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit and do not break faith.The LORD stands as witness between a man and the wife of his youth.
covenant — 284 times in the Bible, and five of them inside Malachi 2 alone (vv. 4, 5, 8, 10, 14). The chapter that calls marriage a covenant is saturated with the word.
The wife of thy covenant - To whom thou art so firmly bound, that while she continues faithful, thou canst not be loosed.
John Wesley· Explanatory Notes upon the Old Testament, 1765Wesleyan
Malachi 2:14
And wherefore did he make but one woman for one man? It was that he might seek a godly seed -- a seed of God (so the word is), a seed that should bear the image of God, be employed in the service of God, and be devoted to his glory and honour.
Matthew Henry· Commentary on the Whole Bible, 1710Reformed
Malachi 2:15
Among the teachers this site draws on, Derek Prince made this distinction the spine of a whole book — The Marriage Covenant (1978) — arguing from Malachi 2:14 that a marriage is a covenant made before God rather than an agreement made between two people.
THE ARTWORKIsraëls painted this from inside the tradition he belonged to, not as an outsider looking on. The covenant Malachi is talking about has been kept as a living rite by the covenant’s own people for three thousand years, and a page about marriage in Scripture should be able to look at it.
Jozef Israëls, A Jewish Wedding (1903) — Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
The Household Lists
— Ephesians, Colossians, 1 Peter, Titus — four versions of one shapeThe Greek and Roman world already had a standard form for household instruction: a list, working through the pairs of the house. Four New Testament letters use that form. What is striking is not that the apostles used it but how they changed it — each list speaks first to the person with less power in the house, and speaks to that person as someone being asked, not ordered. Put the four lists beside each other and you can see the shape for yourself.
FOUR LETTERS, ONE PATTERN — SIDE BY SIDE
no two of them are the same, and the gaps are the point
| WHO IS ADDRESSED | Ephesians5:22 — 6:9 | Colossians3:18 — 4:1 | 1 Peter2:18 — 3:7 | Titus2:1 — 10 |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Wives | Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Eph 5:22→ | Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Col 3:18→ | Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives 1 Pet 3:1→ | to be self-controlled, pure, managers of their households, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be discredited. Titus 2:5→ |
| Husbands | Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her Eph 5:25→ | Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Col 3:19→ | Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Pet 3:7→ | this letter says nothing here |
| Children | Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Eph 6:1→ | Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord. Col 3:20→ | this letter says nothing here | this letter says nothing here |
| Fathers | Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath; instead, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Eph 6:4→ | Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they will not become discouraged. Col 3:21→ | this letter says nothing here | this letter says nothing here |
| Servants | Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear and sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Eph 6:5→ | Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything, not only to please them while they are watching, but with sincerity of heart and fear of the Lord. Col 3:22→ | Servants, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but even to those who are unreasonable. 1 Pet 2:18→ | Slaves are to submit to their own masters in everything, to be well-pleasing, not argumentative, Titus 2:9→ |
| Masters | And masters, do the same for your slaves. Give up your use of threats, because you know that He who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with Him. Eph 6:9→ | Masters, supply your slaves with what is right and fair, since you know that you also have a Master in heaven. Col 4:1→ | this letter says nothing here | this letter says nothing here |
AND THE FOURTH PAIR, WHICH THE SAME PATTERN ALSO ADDRESSES
The row marked Servants and the row marked Masters belong to this form as surely as the first two do. A page that shows the pattern and quietly drops that pair is not showing the pattern. It has its own study on this site, and this table sends you there rather than pretending it is not here.
The Bible and Slavery →Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.The sentence that stands over the whole Ephesians list — and verse 22 borrows its verb.
to submit, to place oneself under — 38 times in the Bible. It stands at Ephesians 5:21 in the plural, to one another, before it stands at 5:24 of wives; and Ephesians 5:22 has no verb of its own in the Greek at all. It borrows the one from verse 21.
That last detail is a plain fact about the Greek text, and it belongs to nobody’s side of the argument. Both of the readings below work with it.
How Christians read the pattern — and who holds each reading
Rooted in creation
On this reading the pattern reflects an order given in Genesis 2 itself, so it carries across cultures and times: different callings inside equal worth. Among the teachers this site draws on, John Piper sets it out at length in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (1991), Tony Evans in Kingdom Man and Kingdom Woman, and R.C. Sproulin the same stream. In the older writers it is carried by Chrysostom in the fourth century and Wesley in the eighteenth — and Wesley’s own note puts a limit on it in his very first clause.
Apostolic wisdom for a household form
On this reading the abiding command is the mutual submission of Ephesians 5:21, and the list is that command worked out inside one particular kind of house; the form adapts as the house changes. Among the teachers this site draws on, Jane Hamon reads the texts this way in The Deborah Company, and Cindy Jacobs in Women Rise Up!It is also how much of this site’s own heritage has functioned: Wesley authorising women preachers, Azusa Street’s twelve elders — six of them women — and the Assemblies of God lifting its restrictions in 1935.
These are brothers and sisters reading the same paragraphs with care and landing in different places. This page names both, honours both, and does not stamp a verdict on the reader. It is also about the household and not about church office — that is a separate question, with its own texts, and it is not settled here.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands - Unless where God forbids. Otherwise, in all indifferent things, the will of the husband is a law to the wife. As unto the Lord - The obedience a wife pays to her husband is at the same time paid to Christ himself; he being head of the wife, as Christ is head of the church.
John Wesley· Explanatory Notes upon the New Testament, 1755Wesleyan
Ephesians 5:22
Even as Christ loved the church - Here is the true model of conjugal affection. With this kind of affection, with this degree of it, and to this end, should husbands love their wives.
John Wesley· Explanatory Notes upon the New Testament, 1755Wesleyan
Ephesians 5:25
Chrysostom’s twentieth homily on Ephesians, preached around the year 400, is the classic early treatment of Christian marriage, and its sharpest line is about husbands: what is asked of them is not generosity, it is what they already owe.
"Even so ought husbands to love their own wives," saith he, "as their own bodies." What, again, means this? To how much greater a similitude, and stronger example has he come; and not only so, but also to one how much nearer and clearer, and to a fresh obligation. For that other one was of no very constraining force, for He was Christ, and was God, and gave Himself. He now manages his argument on a different ground, saying, "so ought men"; because the thing is not a favor, but a debt.
John Chrysostom· Homily on Ephesians 20, 407Church Father
Ephesians 5:28
Chrysostom on what leaving actually costsHomily 20 on Ephesians, c. 400
Later in the same homily he stops arguing and simply marvels at Genesis 2:24 — at what a man walks away from, and who he walks toward:
"Nevertheless do ye also severally love each one his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see that she fear her husband." For indeed, in very deed, a mystery it is, yea, a great mystery, that a man should leave him that gave him being, him that begat him, and that brought him up, and her that travailed with him and had sorrow, those that have bestowed upon him so many and great benefits, those with whom he has been in familiar intercourse, and be joined to one who was never even seen by him and who has nothing in common with him, and should honor her before all others.
John Chrysostom· Homily on Ephesians 20, 407Church Father
Ephesians 5:33
The homily goes on from there into a head-and-body argument that belongs to the first reading above — a fourth-century pastor's exposition, named and dated as such, not a banner over this page.
The union of Christ and the church is holy. So is the proper union of husband and wife holy. Just as a congregation of heretics, however, cannot rightly be called the church of Christ and cannot have Christ as its head, so it is that a union between husband and wife cannot be truly called holy if there is a disregard for the way of life taught by Christ.
Jerome· Commentary on Ephesians 5:22-23, 420Church Father
Ephesians 5:22
Singleness, Taken Seriously
— 1 Corinthians 7 — Paul's own estimate of itThe apostle who wrote the longest passage in the New Testament about marriage was not married, and he does not treat his own state as second best. He calls it a gift— using the same word he uses of the gifts of the Spirit — and says plainly that he wishes more people had it.
I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and widows I say this: It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.Paul wishes others were as he is — and calls it a gift from God.
I want you to be free from concern. The unmarried man is concerned about the work of the Lord, how he can please the Lord. But the married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how he can please his wife, and his interests are divided. The unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the work of the Lord, how she can be holy in both body and spirit. But the married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world, how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but in order to promote proper decorum and undivided devotion to the Lord.His reason: undivided attention, and no snare laid on anyone.
a gift of grace — the word Paul uses of the Spirit's gifts, and the word he uses here of being unmarried. Not a lack of something. A given thing.
For I would that all men were herein even as I - I would that all believers who are now unmarried would remain "eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake" St. Paul, having tasted the sweetness of this liberty, wished others to enjoy it, as well as himself.
John Wesley· Explanatory Notes upon the New Testament, 1755Wesleyan
1 Corinthians 7:7
Among living teachers this site draws on, Vlad Savchuk addresses the unmarried directly in Single, Ready to Mingle— written to people in the state Paul is describing rather than about them.
The Household Is a School
— Deuteronomy 6 and Ephesians 6 — teaching as sharpeningIsrael’s command about children is not “give them a lesson.” The Hebrew verb in Deuteronomy 6:7 is the one used for putting an edge on a blade: grinding, repeated, done at the table and on the road and at bedtime because that is how an edge is made.
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is One. And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These words I am commanding you today are to be upon your hearts. And you shall teach them diligently to your children and speak of them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.The Shema, and the instruction attached to it: teach these to your children.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (which is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath; instead, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.Paul's version: do not provoke them; bring them up in the training of the Lord.
Thou shalt teach them diligently - שננתם shinnantam, from שנן shanan, to repeat, iterate, or do a thing again and again; hence to whet or sharpen any instrument, which is done by reiterated friction or grinding. We see here the spirit of this Divine injunction. Gods testimonies must be taught to our children, and the utmost diligence must be used to make them understand them.
Adam Clarke· Commentary on the Bible, 1832Wesleyan
Deuteronomy 6:7
Peter attaches something to all of this that is easy to miss: how a household is run has consequences in prayer. Wesley’s note on the verse says why.
Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.Live with her considerately — so that your prayers are not hindered.
That your prayers be not hindered - On the one part or the other. All sin hinders prayer; particularly anger. Anything at which we are angry is never more apt to come into our mind than when we are at prayer; and those who do not forgive will find no forgiveness from God.
John Wesley· Explanatory Notes upon the New Testament, 1755Wesleyan
1 Peter 3:7
Where It Points
— Ephesians 5:31-33 — the sentence that reframes the whole pagePaul quotes Genesis 2:24 and then says something startling about it: this was never only about husbands and wives. Marriage is not a handy illustration borrowed for the gospel. The gospel is the thing marriage was a picture of from the first week.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.“This mystery is profound — but I am speaking about Christ and the church.”
a mystery — 27 times in the Bible. In Scripture it never means a puzzle nobody can solve; it means something hidden that has now been told. Ephesians 5:32 is Paul telling it.